This Furlong does this a lot – she’s an EXPERT!
How to wreck your day – any day
- Make sure you wake up at about 4am, check your emails on your phone. Play Flip Diving. Make a cup of coffee. Answer your Whatsapp conversations. This will be quite lively, as your relatives in other countries are already up, having breakfast, or going to work. Have a snack like crisp bread with lashings of butter and marmite/fish paste or marmalade. Eat just enough to totally stuff up your blood-sugar readings and to feel shit tired when you wake up for real.
- Go to sleep again, if you can.
- Wake again at 9:00pm when your weekend phone alarm sounds. Make a cup of coffee and let the dog out. Make sure to notice the weather – freezing cold and pouring with rain.
- Quickly get dressed so you don’t lie about in bed and ruin your day doing nothing.
- Climb back into bed fully clothed with a hot water bottle and accept graciously, the offer of breakfast in bed from your partner.
- Listen to the rain pattering on the window and cancel the fantasy of taking the dog out for a quick walk before breakfast.
- Enjoy scrambled eggs, tomato and mushrooms and finish your coffee. Remember to thank your partner.
- Stay in bed with your mobile phone and laptop. Surf the net. Write blogs. Watch videos. Answer emails. And ESPECIALLY go onto Facebook. Waste your morning till lunchtime.
- At lunchtime, let the dog out. Note the weather – freezing cold and pouring with rain.
- Postpone the dog walk till the afternoon. Have lunch instead. Paper thin slices of Jamon Ham with walnuts and dates and coffee.
- Put on comfortable woolen socks and transfer to the lounge where your partner is watching TV. Get comfortable. Get ready for a video binge – episodes one to five, end on end.
- Throw a few toys for the dog. Cuddle the dog. Allow him to sleep on your feet. Let him out.
- Check the weather – freezing cold and pouring with rain.
- Plan supper, play some computer games whilst watching the last two episodes of TV binge. Answer some Whatsapp messages and check email, videos and Facebook.
- Eating time for dog and humans. Eat – pot roast beef, done to a turn by your partner, served with broccoli, savoy cabbage and very hot horseradish sauce.
- Let the dog out and check the weather – freezing cold and pouring with rain.
- Discuss how tomorrow the dog should be walked before breakfast. Plan gardening chores for tomorrow. Complain about the weather. Feel guilty that neither dog nor humans have had any exercise today.
- Check the weather report for tomorrow after the six o clock news – freezing cold and pouring with rain, just like today.
- Decide that whatever the weather, you SHALL walk the dog before breakfast, and you’ll get up early again to do so. And you will feel energetic and vital – inspired in fact, after sleeping all night like a normal person.
- Watch TV till bedtime. Prepare your hot water bottle, get into your jim-jams and fluffy gown. Really look forward to getting into bed. Clean your teeth – and the dog’s teeth. Let the dog out. Check the weather – clear and crisp, no rain in sight – perfect for taking the dog for a walk.