If you follow this blog you will know I’m a vaper – i.e. I use an electronic nicotine device. Oh, I just had a good laugh reading this.
1) Their habit is anti-social
You mainly see them hanging around at night, and there’s little more concerting than a vaper looming out of the dark at you. Many establishments rightly tell them to limit what they do to outside, we should all be able to enjoy a night out without the threat of vapers hanging over us.
2) They’re pedantic
Vapers are fond of arguing online, but we’ve known for many years that they are incorrigible pedants. In fact, an old Chinese legend says that if you want to confuse a vaper, you should spill a sack of rice in front of them, and they will be unable to move until they have counted each and every grain. Worth bearing in mind.
3) Their breath smells bad
“The exhalation from that opening mouth was fetid, beyond description: a smell of charnel pits.” Stephen King, ‘Salem’s Lot.
4) They are often sex pests
In the village of Khring near Tinjan in what is now Croatia, there were reports of a local vaper called Jure Grando in 1672. He spent much of his time trying to sexually harass his widow, until, in the end, the villagers were forced to behead him.
5) They are terrible lovers
According to Aztec mythology if you have sex with a female vaper, or cihuateteo, as they called them, you go completely mad.
6) You can’t see them in mirrors
If anything should clue us into the fact that there’s something not quite right about vapers it’s the fact that you can’t see them in mirrors. How are they doing their hair, sheeple? Think about it!
7) They can turn into bats
One victim of a vaper, Mina Harker, was terrorised in her bed by a vaper who turned into a bat and flew in through a window. Vapers need to understand that it’s not acceptable in this day and age to force your way into someone’s boudoir in the guise of a pipistrelle in order to drain them of their blood.
8) Their heads detach from their bodies as they search for prey
In Japan, they call vapers Nukekubi, and they tell of how their heads and necks detach from their bodies as they roam towns and cities in the night, searching for human prey. Surely even the vapers’ staunchest defenders can’t justify this sort of behaviour?
9) Their bodies don’t decay
Some people think it’s the fact that they are avoiding the skin-aging effects of tobacco smoke, but we can be pretty sure it’s the fact that they spend much of their time nocturnally drinking the life essence of virgins that gives vapers their healthy, young complexion.
So next time a vaper tells you their habit is harmless, drive a hawthorn stake through their heart, stuff their mouths with garlic, cut off their heads and bury them under a moving body of water. It’s the only way to be safe.